Wow, No Thank You.: Essays

The only family member Irby writes of with almost complete positivity is her wife, Kirsten. References to Kirsten are sparse in the first section of the book, with the author casually mentioning “my lady” or “my wife.” These references increase in the middle section, though they are often indirect, as when Irby describes “two perimenopausal women” engaged in some activity, or when she mentions seeing her wife wearing Irby’s clothes in an Instagram photo. The author does not mention her wife’s name until the third section, in which the couple adopts a rescue kitten. Irby gives little factual information about her wife, saying simply that she is “corny” or that she is much more detailed oriented, as when Kirsten quizzes the gynecologist about the medical procedure Irby will undergo, though Irby would just as soon not know about it.

Just as the author does not give a complete description of her wife, so she offers only tidbits about her immediate family members, gleaned from across the span of the essays. From these scattered details, however, a more complete picture of Irby’s closest relatives eventually emerges. Irby portrays her mother as being preoccupied and, thus, disengaged from Irby’s life. Though her mother sent Irby to church, it was apparently to placate one of her grandmothers. Irby notes that her schoolwork suffered during the time her mother was dying, though she says she did not really apply herself and she does not express how she felt about her mother’s death. Likewise, she describes her father as a sketchy fellow and implies he maneuvered the family into a home purchase in Evanston for which he was not qualified. He had alcoholism and tried to pay the mortgage by renting rooms in the house to his friends with alcoholism. Irby’s parents died within six months of one another. She refers only tangentially to her “mean” grandmother, who forced church attendance on her, then moved away, depriving Irby’s single mother of a living place. Irby does not mention her sisters or other relatives.

Perhaps because she had no family or community support to lean on after the deaths of her parents, Irby places great value on friendship. Throughout, she mentions the names of friends who came into her life at pivotal moments to provide support and encouragement. There were friends who provided free housing and food so she would not have to live in her car. Others kept her safe and emotionally supported her when she went clubbing, looking for dates that either did not materialize or turned out to be undesirable. When she began honing her writing skills, first at clubs and then on the Internet, friends provided honest, helpful critiques. Irby notes that doctors, landlords, and other authority figures were not always understanding or supportive. She cultivated many friends in Chicago, however, who perceived what sort of support and assistance she needed.

For Irby, friendship and work go hand in hand. Her friends often become her colleagues, and her colleagues often become her friends. Lindy West and Roxanne Gay, both prophetic women who speak up for different minorities, claim friendship with Irby. The author mentions that she is occasionally mistaken for Gay, which she considers a compliment. Celebrities and noteworthy businesspeople—like influencer Abbi Jacobson and literary agent Kent Wolf—sought Irby for projects and eventually became fast friends as well. Having grown up with undependable parents, Irby finds strength and trust in her friends and colleagues, among whom she does not differentiate.