We Have Always Been Here: A Queer Muslim Memoir

Intergenerational trauma is the passing of struggles, dysfunctional habits or regulation, and harmful mindsets from one generation to the next within a familial unit. The cultural expectations put on their parents leave no room for the possibility that Habib may be neither heterosexual nor a cisgender woman; Habib’s arranged marriage to Nasir excludes any other possibilities beyond conforming to these traditional assumptions. The assumptions, expectations, and harm placed on their mother are passed down to Habib both through the way they are raised and the ways in which they witness their parents interacting.

Habib depicts their mother as a resilient and brave woman who nevertheless has an extremely limited scope of what is “best” for her child. Likewise, their father intends the best for them but is a very traditional man whom Habib depicts as not grasping the way he harms his children while they are young. Yasmin was only allowed one path in life: to be a “pious wife and attentive mother” (10). This path allowed her to get out of poverty and ensured that her children would not suffer from poverty in Pakistan. Habib spends much of their early life in Pakistan recounting the ways in which they observed the women around them. They watched as their mother was harassed by men on the streets (12) and how their mother came alive when no men were around (13).

Yasmin grew up in a society where men only value women for their ability to produce boys (18) and can freely harm women with few repercussions (64). Yasmin remarks that she knows best when Habib questions the arranged marriage (50-51). Habib argues that this “best” is due to the dangerous world Pakistani women are forced to navigate. The habits, concessions, and self-sacrifice that allowed Yasmin to survive become traumatic when she attempts to place Habib in an arranged marriage with a man who she knows and has power over. What was best for Yasmin and allowed her to survive is traumatizing and stifling when foisted on Habib.

Habib believes the intergenerational trauma passed down by their mother is a result of their mother’s concessions to a patriarchal world to ensure survival for her and her children. When Yasmin refuses to explain why she arranged the marriage between Habib and Nasir, Habib has an epiphany. They realize, “The lines between grown-up and child were often blurred between me and my mom. Her ‘best’ did not look like mine; in fact, it looked like danger. It felt like surrender” (50). The parent-child archetype is reversed between the two of them because of their separate identities and life experiences: Habib is not heterosexual while their mother presumably is, and Habib has had educational opportunities that their mother never had. Habib uses the reversal of the stereotypical parent-child relationship as a metaphor for their mother’s limited scope of understanding. This reversed relationship dynamic argues that Yasmin’s limited scope leads her to genuinely believe that something traumatizing to her child is for the best.

Yasmin and Habib begin repairing their relationship only after Yasmin reclaims some of her own autonomy. By opening the salon that Pakistani women use as a community center, Yasmin gives herself both economic and political autonomy. The salon lets women create their own “universe” away from men (79). Habib and Yasmin reconnect in this salon that centers the empowerment of Pakistani women. Yasmin surprises Habib by accepting everything about them within this space and never showing an ounce of closed-mindedness.

The personal growth both have experienced by Chapter 6 allows Habib’s freedom to help their mother “out of the cycle that had imprisoned her and so many other women in my family” (79). Yasmin lives vicariously through Habib’s bold and LGBTQ+-coded fashion choices. Habib helps expand Yasmin’s scope of experience, while Yasmin grows personally through her salon. Habib’s reconnection with their mother argues that an expansion of experience and scope changes Yasmin’s conception of “best,” thus breaking cycles of intergenerational trauma caused by narrow scopes of life experience.