We All Want Impossible Things

Jude and Ash share a cigarette outside the hospice. They are interrupted by two people who come out the back door crying. Ash consoles the pair and tells them not to worry, that they’re all there doing the same thing. After the couple leaves, Jude tells Ash that he thinks she and Honey should get back together; he also tells her that Edi told him about her and Jonah: “Ash. We’ve known each other a long time. You’re not as mysterious as you might imagine” (178). Belle and Jules come outside as Ash tries to hide the fact that she’s been smoking. They head back to Edi’s room, where Cedar is singing, and they notice that Edi is unconscious and breathing hard. Ash realizes that something is changing. Jules and Belle say their goodbyes and head home, while Ash cries and waits.

The doctor comes by and tells them that the only thing to do is wait, and that their presence is all Edi needs now. As they listen to her breathing slowly fade away, Alice asks what Edi’s last words were. Jude responds that Edi’s last word had been her son’s name. They continue to sit around Edi’s bed, sharing in the common experience of their grief and love for Edi:

We sing ‘The Long and Winding Road.’ We take turns telling Edi how much we love her. We tell her we know she has a long journey ahead of her, that she can go whenever she needs to, that we’ll take good care of Dash. This is love, distilled to its essence—like a kind of communal ecstasy, but grief (184).

Edi passes away; Ash places her hand on Edi’s chest and feels no heartbeat.

Back at Ash’s house, the group processes Edi’s death together. Jude is distraught, but when he tells his son that his mother has died, Dash says he dreamed that Edi woke him up, hugged him, and disappeared. Ash reflects on the twofold nature of grief: There is the grief that comes with the actual death, and there’s the grief that comes after the fact. They stay up until morning, and go out in the cold to watch the sunrise. Afterward, Honey leaves to go home, and everyone else goes inside to sleep.

Ash and Honey drive to Brooklyn for Edi’s funeral, along with her parents and Jules and Belle. Ash’s father grumbles good-naturedly about the route they’re taking as Ash reads over the eulogy that she’s written, worried that it’s not right. Her eldest daughter consoles her: “It’s not, like, material you’re being tested on. You’ll just do your best, and it will be amazing” (191). They are running late, and when they arrive at the synagogue everyone is there already. They take their seats, and the funeral begins. People take turns speaking about Edi and their memories of her, and finally it’s Ash’s turn. She makes a joke about her inability to keep her emotions under control, then proceeds with her eulogy, telling Dash how much his mother loved him.

After the funeral they go to Jude’s house, where they talk about how Edi is being cremated, a point of contention for the wider family since it’s not typical of Jewish burial practices. Ash and Jude exchange stories about their dreams the night before, since they both dreamed of Edi. Ash goes upstairs to use the bathroom and discovers Edi’s father, Myron, lying in Edi’s old bed, unable to move because of his grief. Ash sits with him, thinking about how she’s just been accepted to nursing school and hasn’t told anyone, and she imagines eventually working at Shapely.

Later, Ash runs into Honey, who tells her that he wants her to be with him, and that Gemma broke up with him because he was still in love with her. They kiss, but are interrupted by Ash’s mother and Belle, who tell her that they’re going to say goodbye and slip out quietly. Ash cries as her mother comforts her.

Ash’s daughters leave, and Ash and Alice go through Edi’s things at Jude’s house. When Ash returns home the next day, everything seems so different: “It’s like I walked back into my own home backwards, and have stayed backwards ever since. Or like somebody rearranged all the furniture” (203). Honey has almost finished moving back into the house, and Ash tries to write thank-you cards to various friends, families, and people who were involved with Edi’s hospice stay. She can’t find the right words for anyone, and Belle tells her to pause what she’s doing and come outside for a walk. Walking with her daughter, Ash thinks about her dream of Edi. In the dream, Edi told her that she was perfect, and Ash reflects that it might not be true forever, but that it was nice to hear.