The Reason I Jump: The Inner Voice of a Thirteen-Year-Old Boy with Autism

Higashida answers the question “Do you prefer to be on your own?” (47). Higashida emphatically denies that he prefers being on his own, saying that he loves being with people. Unfortunately, though, he is anxious around others and is worried about “getting on your nerves” (47). Thus, he ends up isolating himself from others and others from him. When he overhears the idea that he “prefers” being on his own, it makes him feel even more lonely.

Higashida answers the question “Why do you ignore us when we’re talking to you?” (51). As with the case of hand holding, Higashida asserts that there is no volitional aspect when people with autism seem to ignore those talking to them. Rather, it is that the person with autism struggles to notice when someone is trying to engage them, even if they are close by. Higashida says, “It’s very difficult for us to know someone’s there and that they’re talking to us, just by his or her voice” (52). As such, Higashida recommends using the name of a person with autism when you want to get their attention and talk to them.

Higashida looks at the question “Why are your facial expressions so limited?” (53). Higashida suggests that it is not so much that expressions of people with autism are limited, it is just that they appear so because people with autism respond differently to people without autism. For example, Higashida explains, people with autism find very different things funny compared to other people. They do not find “fooling” people or winding them up funny (53), but rather laugh at happy memories.

Higashida tries to answer the question “Is it true that you hate being touched?” (55). Higashida says that this is not true in his own case but suggests two reasons why it may be true for many people with autism. First, someone touching you implies a loss of control over your body, which, for the person with autism, can be very frightening. Second, some people with autism fear that “by being touched [their] thoughts will become visible” (57). Such a prospect, and that another person can thereby expose one, is deeply troubling for individuals with autism.

Higashida answers the question “Why do you wave goodbye with your palm facing yourself?” (57). Higashida explains that the reason for this ostensibly odd behavior is that for some people with autism, “imitating movement is difficult” (37). As some people with autism find it hard to move parts of the body that they cannot see, they often end up getting physical directions wrong, such as how to wave goodbye.

In this short story aside, Higashida imagines a rematch between the hare and the tortoise from one of Aesop’s fables. The hare asks the tortoise for a rematch, which the hare agrees to, despite none of the other animals being interested in the new race. The tortoise slips on his back when the race starts, as the hare races away. The other animals help the tortoise and take him back to his house. Meanwhile, the hare finishes the race, but nobody is there at the finish line.

Higashida explores the question “When you’re on one of your highs, what’s going through your mind?” (60). Higashida here alludes to occasions when some people with autism begin laughing or seem to be in a state of rapture without any obvious external cause. Higashida explains that such instances are usually caused by some people with autism experiencing the recurrence of funny or happy memories in their minds.

Higashida addresses the question “What are your flashback memories like?” (62). As Higashida describes it, a flashback memory occurs when a past experience unexpectedly resurfaces into consciousness and yet feels as if it “had only just taken place” (62). Since such memories, for the person with autism, are invariably negative, they provoke the same feelings of distress and negative emotions experienced at the time.

Higashida explores the question “Why do you make a huge fuss over tiny mistakes?” (64). He begins by noting how he gets extremely upset about making even the most innocuous of errors, such as spilling a drop of water from a glass. Higashida recognizes that his reaction to such incidents is irrational and that these “mistakes” are not important. Nevertheless, he cannot help the devastating effect that they have on his emotions. Worse, Higashida says, he ends up hating himself because of these responses.

Higashida answers the question “Why don’t you do what you’re told straight away?” (67). To address this question, he explains that to perform any activity, he needs to go through a three-step process. First, he thinks about what he is going to do. Second, he says, “I visualize how I’m going to do it” (67). Then, third, he tries to motivate himself to do what he visualized. Unfortunately, Higashida explains, this process often does not work because he feels like he cannot control or direct his own body to do what is asked.

Higashida looks at the question “Do you hate it when we make you do things?” (69). Higashida acknowledges that it is hard to tell with some people with autism whether they have understood what is asked of them or to gauge their emotional reaction to the request. Nevertheless, Higashida urges people not to give up on children with autism because of this difficulty, as the person with autism is still trying to “do the best [they] possibly can” (69).

Higashida answers the challenging question “What’s the worst thing about having autism?” (70). According to Higashida, one of the hardest things about autism is that other people and the caregivers of people with autism cannot see, and do not grasp, how unhappy some children with autism can be at times. People with autism often, he says, get laughed at or rebuked for doing things wrong over which they have no control. Worse, some people with autism can suffer from the awareness that their behavior is causing unhappiness and suffering for others.