56 pages • 1 hour read
Marshall B. RosenbergNonviolent Communication: A Language of Life
Marshall B. RosenbergNonfiction | Reference/Text Book | Adult | Published in 1999A modern alternative to SparkNotes and CliffsNotes, SuperSummary offers high-quality Study Guides with detailed chapter summaries and analysis of major themes, characters, and more.
Chapter 13-EpilogueChapter Summaries & Analyses
Chapter 13 Summary: “Expressing Appreciation in Nonviolent Communication”
Compliments can be unwittingly life-alienating if they are intended to influence behavior. They should only be used to celebrate another person’s life-enriching contribution to our life, rather than to manipulate behavior.
The Three Components of Appreciation
In NVC, appreciation is expressed through specifically labeling the action that contributed to wellbeing, coupled with a statement about how the action made us feel and what need was met.
Receiving Appreciation
Rosenberg observes that sometimes appreciation can feel like we have something to live up to; people’s praise can feel inauthentic. On the other hand, it can be difficult to receive appreciation without expressing feelings of superiority or false humility.
The Hunger for Appreciation
Often we crave appreciation—particularly in a work setting—because, Rosenberg suggests, we tend to be told when we are not doing something right and are told less often that we are doing something right. When Rosenberg spoke to a woman who did scheduling at a women’s shelter, she tearfully explained that she only ever heard of the conflicts that the latest schedule caused, rather than being thanked for positive aspects of the scheduling: “[S]he couldn’t remember ever receiving appreciation for her efforts to design a fair schedule” (190). We also apply this to our own lives; we tend to focus on what we have done poorly, even if we’ve done many other things well.
Overcoming the Reluctance to Express Appreciation
Even though it can be embarrassing, or it can feel that we don’t have the right words, Rosenberg maintains that it is important and powerful to express to others how their actions have enriched our lives.
Summary
Conventional compliments are still judgments, even if they are intended to be positive. It is therefore best to be specific in celebrating the actions of others in terms of how they made you feel and what needs of yours were served.
Epilogue Summary
Rosenberg’s grandmother epitomized the values of NVC. Once a ragged man came to her door, claiming to be Jesus. She offered him food and a place to sleep. He stayed for seven years. She avoided categorizing or judging the man, instead seeking to identify what his needs were.
Chapter 13-Epilogue Analysis
Rosenberg continues to explore the theme The Importance of Empathy in Order to Communicate Effectively through his unpacking of the common occurrence of feeling undervalued at work. He uses the case study of a woman working at a women’s shelter who felt unappreciated because she only ever received negative feedback for her work with creating schedules. This led to her feeling a “hunger for appreciation,” and is an important reminder to express appreciation for specific tasks that people perform which you can identify as having enriched your life, as Rosenberg stresses that enriching the lives of others brings us a feeling of joy and fulfillment (190). On the other hand, Rosenberg condemns appreciative comments that are about the person generally, rather than the person’s actions, as this is just another kind of judgmental thinking; thus, these comments are life-alienating despite the fact that they are intended positively. People might even recognize the “manipulation behind the appreciation,” as appreciative comments that are general in nature are often designed to lead a person to act obediently or fulfill the needs of others (185). An implication here is thus that comments are not inadvisable simply when they are negative; rather, general comments, positive or negative, are ultimately judgments or evaluations, argues Rosenberg, and hence are life-alienating.
In keeping with his consistent use of case studies, Rosenberg closes the book with a reflection on how his grandmother epitomized nonviolent communication. Rosenberg points out that if his grandmother was ruled by life-alienating thinking, which is characterized by judgment and blame, her analysis of the man “Jesus” might have been very different: “[S]he probably would have judged him as crazy and gotten rid of him” (194). Instead, “she thought in terms of what people feel and what they need. If they’re hungry, feed them. If they’re without a roof over their head, give them a place to sleep” (194). Rosenberg suggests that fulfilling this man’s needs was life-enriching for his grandmother and at the same time enriched the life of the man called Jesus through providing him sustenance, shelter, and safety. Through this anecdote, which is presented as the model way to act, Rosenberg ends his book with a poignant reflection on the central theme of Compassion as Natural, Conflict as Unnatural. He thereby underscores the key tenets of NVC while using a concrete example to illustrate the real-world applications of NVC.
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