My Dark Vanessa

It is January 2001, and the winter weather is trying everyone’s nerves. Ms. Thompson tries to plan fun events for the residents of Gould, but Vanessa is unresponsive: “Now that Strane and I are having sex, I no longer fit into the places I used to” (113).

In the dorm bathroom, Vanessa and Jenny run into each other, and Jenny tries to engage Vanessa in conversation. Vanessa remembers the intensity of their friendship the previous year and the depth of her loneliness and jealousy when Jenny started dating Tom. When Vanessa became upset one afternoon the previous spring because Tom had unexpectedly joined them during a girls’ afternoon out, Jenny said that Vanessa was “too attached” (116) to her. When they see each other in the bathroom now, Vanessa notices that she no longer cares about Jenny. Jenny confronts Vanessa about a rumor going around the school about her affair; Vanessa denies it (116).

As the winter months progress, Vanessa notices that Strane appears to be following her around campus and watching her movements. She feels both special and suffocated by his surveillance. Finally, during a private moment in his classroom, Strane reveals to Vanessa that he is anxious and that he worries she will tell someone about their relationship. He tells her that if she tells anyone, they would both be kicked out of Browick, and that Vanessa would end up in foster care. When Vanessa grows overwhelmed, Strane apologizes.

Vanessa goes to Quebec City for the weekend with her French class. During the bus ride, she observes a group of students bullying Jesse Ly, so she smiles at him and greets him, so he is not alone. Jesse sits with Vanessa for the rest of the trip and when she tries to talk to him about the bullying incident, he defends the students and reads his book. Throughout the weekend, Jesse and Vanessa accompany each other. Jesse buys Vanessa a souvenir spoon. When Vanessa tries to call Strane from a pay phone, he doesn’t answer, and Jesse tells Vanessa that he is probably on campus somewhere. When Vanessa asks Jesse how he knows about their relationship, he laughs and tells her that “he’ll probably ruin your life” (122).

In February, Vanessa is compelled to go to his classroom as often as possible. One afternoon, Strane takes Polaroid photos of Vanessa and gives her another book by Nabokov: Pale Fire. He shows her a stanza of the long poem that contains her name, which makes Vanessa feel sure that their relationship is destined. Another teacher comes into the classroom, calling Vanessa Strane’s “pet” (125), and when the teacher leaves, Vanessa asks Strane if he has been with other students. He says no, which makes Vanessa feel special.

One evening at the dorm, Ms. Thompson interrupts Vanessa, who is reading Pale Fire, to check in with her about her academic work. Vanessa asks Ms. Thompson if Mr. Strane has ever said anything about her to Ms. Thompson. Ms. Thompson says no, and Vanessa responds by saying, “That’s surprising, […] He and I are pretty close” (126). The next day, while Strane steps out, Vanessa snoops on Strane’s computer in his classroom and finds an email exchange between Ms. Thompson and Strane in which she warns Strane to be cautious around Vanessa. When Strane returns to the classroom, Vanessa interrogates him about his previous relationship with Ms. Thompson, suggesting she may act inappropriately out of jealousy. As they discuss Ms. Thompson, Vanessa reveals she read the emails.

Vanessa remembers her jealousy when Jenny and Tom began dating, and her mother’s assumption that Vanessa was jealous of Jenny. In truth, Vanessa was jealous of Tom; her possessiveness was directed toward Jenny. Vanessa remembers feeling impatient with her mother when her mother tried to give her advice about boys.

Over a week-long break in February, Vanessa feels sorry for the single men she sees in the grocery store with her mother and stares at them to feign sexual interest. One night, she calls Strane from the home phone. He talks to her in a sexual way, asking her to call him “Daddy” (133) while he masturbates. Vanessa is repulsed, and she dissociates, “fly[ing] out of the house, into the night” (133) to cope with her feelings. When he finishes, he says good night and hangs up. Vanessa throws the phone.

While Vanessa’s mother drives her back to Browick, she tells Vanessa that she heard her on the phone with a boy. Vanessa’s mind begins to race, and she figures that her mother must not have realized that she was talking with a grown man. Vanessa tells her mother that her boyfriend’s name is Jacob. Vanessa’s mother is pleased for her and offers to take her to an appointment so she can start birth control.

When Vanessa sees Strane in class on the first day after the break, he is in a foul mood, treating the students badly and ignoring Vanessa. After he class, he tells Vanessa he is tormented by their relationship, and Vanessa soothes him. When Vanessa compares Strane to Humbert Humbert, the pedophile narrator of Lolita, he becomes defensive, denying that he has any sexual interest in children despite what he “asked [her] to say on the phone” (139). Strane talks about his inner world and the darkness he finds there, telling Vanessa that he recognizes a similar darkness in her.

It is October, and at the hotel, most of the guests and employees have been drinking at an Oktoberfest event at the hotel. Vanessa is checking Facebook on the computer at the concierge desk when a drunken guest comes into the hotel and starts to talk suggestively to the 17-year-old daughter of the hotel’s owner, Inez. Vanessa scans another email she received from the journalist who wants to write her story, and as the drunk man makes an overt pass at Inez, she forwards the email to Strane. When her phone vibrates, she sees Strane is calling her, and she feels smug as she refuses to pick up and he continues to call.

When Vanessa finishes work, she goes to a bar and sends texts to Ira, a man she slept with a few weeks earlier, and an older “divorcé” (144) who also referred to himself as “Daddy” (144). The divorcé responds and comes to the bar to meet Vanessa. Meanwhile, Strane continues to call Vanessa. She takes his call when she and the divorcé are smoking cigarettes outside the bar and the divorcé presses Vanessa against the wall, trying to have sex with her. Strane can hear the man over the phone, asking Vanessa who it is, and the man goes back into the bar. Vanessa and Strane talks about the journalist’s email, and Strane gets angry with Vanessa when she tells him that he is not the only one suffering. Vanessa starts to cry, and Strane’s tone turns pleading. After the call, Vanessa goes back into the bar, where the divorcé is waiting for her, and they go back to her place, where she lets him “do whatever he wants” (147).

At work the next day, Vanessa sees an article on the front page of the newspaper about Strane. The school has suspended him now that five girls have stepped forward to accuse him of sexual abuse.

Mrs. Antonova tries to tutor Vanessa in geometry, but Vanessa is resistant to learning anything. When Mrs. Antonova checks in with Vanessa about her other classes, English in particular, Vanessa tells her that she and Strane are “friends” (150). This word concerns Mrs. Antonova, and Vanessa leaves the tutoring session.

One night, Vanessa sneaks out of her dorm to meet Strane in the parking lot and go to his house. He makes her scrambled eggs and toast, and when Vanessa asks him if he thinks anyone suspects anything, he is startled. They watch the film Lolita, and then have sex, which is another dissociative experience for Vanessa. He takes Polaroids of Vanessa in bed, and they talk about pop stars, none of whom Strane knows. When Strane mocks Vanessa for her mainstream taste in music, she secretly becomes angry.

In April, Vanessa goes home for spring break, where she has her 16th birthday. One day, Vanessa’s parents are working, and Strane visits her. He is too rough with Babe, the family dog, and Vanessa despises him momentarily. Vanessa shows him around her house, embarrassed by her parents’ poverty, and takes him to her room upstairs. Strane is overwhelmed by the sight of her room, which has not changed since she was 13, and they have sex in her bed. Later, they go for a drive, planning to do more of the same over the summer. They stop in a village on the coast, getting a drink and walking hand in hand before taking a Polaroid picture on the self-timer. Vanessa steals the photo of the two of them from his glove box as they drive away from the village. Later, driving Vanessa home, Strane upsets Vanessa by talking about the fact that she will grow up and move on from their relationship.

Back at school, Vanessa and Jesse meet Strane after class to organize the boxes containing copies of the literary journal. Strane kisses Vanessa in Jesse’s presence, and Jesse stops coming to creative writing club meetings, which pleases Strane. On a field trip to a nearby town, Strane and Vanessa have an argument, and in front of other students, Strane grabs Vanessa by the arm. Jenny confronts Vanessa later that night in Vanessa’s dorm room. Jenny tells Vanessa that Jenny’s older sister had warned Jenny about Strane and calls Strane’s behavior toward Vanessa “abusive” (162). When Vanessa denies this, Jenny looks at her with pity. The conversation ends badly as Vanessa grows more defensive and Jenny expresses a protectiveness toward the school.

Later, Vanessa tells Strane the details of her conversation with Jenny. In class, Strane tries to humiliate Jenny. A day or two later, Strane pulls Vanessa out of French class to tell her that Jenny’s father has written a letter to the school about their relationship and brings Vanessa to the headmistress’s office. Mrs. Giles questions Strane and Vanessa, and their responses lead Mrs. Giles to conclude that Jenny is jealous of Strane’s “special treatment” (167) of Vanessa. Vanessa and Strane sign a document detailing the conversation and the matter is closed. Later that evening, Vanessa calls home to a barrage of questions from her parents. They both warn her not to spend time with Strane and offer to pick her from school or to pull her out of school completely. They allow Vanessa to finish the school year only if she agrees to call them every evening to check in. Jenny transfers out of Strane’s English class, and Strane tells Vanessa they need to separate until the gossip dies down.

In the dining hall one evening, Vanessa overhears another student talking about her and Strane. Mrs. Giles summons Vanessa to her office and tells her Jenny has collected a list of names of students who have heard about Vanessa and Strane. Jesse Ly is the last name on the list. Vanessa denies the relationship, and Mrs. Giles brings Jesse into the office to confirm his statement that he knows about the relationship between Vanessa and Strane. As Jesse struggles to speak, Vanessa explains that she had lied to Jesse. She feels a sense of relief mingled with empowerment and pride in her cleverness. When Vanessa goes to Strane’s classroom, another teacher is there, and he tells Vanessa that Mrs. Giles is expecting her. On her way to the headmistress’s office, Vanessa sees her parents driving up to the main admin building. They enter Mrs. Giles’s office together, where Strane is also waiting. Vanessa is sent out of the office so the four adults can talk, and Vanessa believes Strane is about to confess. When Strane leaves the office, he does not look at Vanessa, and she joins her parents as they leave the headmistress’s office.

Outside, Vanessa’s father tells her that she broke the Browick code of ethics by making up lies about Strane and “damaging his reputation” (176). Vanessa now must tell the students on Jenny’s list about her lies and then she must leave Browick school the following day. Vanessa’s mother appears angry, while Vanessa’s father is concerned. After they have dinner that evening, Vanessa walks to Strane’s house, and he pulls her around to the side of the house where they can’t be seen. She tells him that she must leave the following day after telling the students she lied; she tells him that she might have to tell them the truth about their relationship. Strane expresses anger at Vanessa, accusing her of trying to “ruin” (178) him and tells her that she will be ruining her own life if she tells the truth. When Vanessa starts to cry, he comforts her, and she promises not to tell anyone the truth. She senses “gratitude radiat[ing] out of him” (180) and feels powerful.

The next day, Vanessa meets with Mrs. Giles and the students on Jenny’s list while her parents pack her dorm room. One student challenges Vanessa’s confession, asking her why she would lie. When Vanessa returns to her dorm room, her mother disapproves of Vanessa’s messiness and criticizes her. Suddenly, Vanessa’s mother happens upon the Polaroid photo of Vanessa and Strane in one of Vanessa’s drawers and her anger dissolves into concern. Vanessa denies that Strane hurt her.

As Vanessa and her parents pack the car, Vanessa realizes that Strane could have offered to run away with her the previous evening. Her mother tells her that there is still time to tell the truth, but Vanessa gets in the car without responding, blaming herself for her parents’ “anger and grief” (184).

Vanessa’s mother calls to invite her to Thanksgiving, mentioning to Vanessa that Browick was recently in the news and calling the school “a hellhole” (186). Vanessa finds out that Strane has been suspended from teaching and another investigation has been opened. Vanessa does not hear from Strane, and she resists the impulse to contact him.

Early one morning, Strane calls to tell Vanessa that it is “all over” (187) and calls the girls who came forward “nobody” and “just girls” (187). Strane tells Vanessa that he truly loved her, and when they hang up, Vanessa feels she should call 911, but she falls back asleep. The evening paper contains an article about Strane’s suicide by drowning. The next day, Vanessa receives a parcel in the mail containing all the evidence of her relationship with Strane but no note.

As the news spreads, Vanessa reads articles and watches the television, but she feels numb. The media frenzy gathers momentum as the days pass, and she remembers the power she felt when she and Strane were together. She drinks and takes drugs to slow her mind down, remembering too much, watching a Fiona Apple music video that depicts a rape. She reads interviews with Fiona Apple in which the singer talks about being sexually assaulted when she was “a little girl” (194). When Vanessa wonders if she was raped, she decides she is not a victim and that Strane loved her.

When Vanessa goes to see Ruby, she tells her therapist that she is grieving a loss that relates to “abuse” (195). Vanessa tells Ruby the whole story, and the therapist’s care with Vanessa reminds her of “Strane’s slow approach” (196). At home, after the session, Vanessa fantasizes about setting fire to the photographs and pajamas Strane sent her before he committed suicide.